I don't understand why I've been in a movie mood lately, but last night I watched Elizabeth: The Golden Age.

I absolutely LOVED it!

I don't want to go into it since son hasn't seen it and sometimes reads my blog -- not to mention I don't want to spoil it for anyone else.

The lonliness and heartache and pain... And yet there's so much courage and strength in her.

I highly recommend this movie. ...especially if you are into historical movies.

(Since I seem to be in a bit of a movie watching phase, what are your favorite movies?)

We have been thinking about changing our phones out since our "new every 2" is in a couple of months. That prompted me to go through my phone list and cull out the wrong numbers and such. It amazes me how often people change phones and numbers sometimes.

And then I saw it.

Her number.

Jackie.

It made me so sad I wanted to cry. I haven't seen her in nearly a year. She won't be calling me again.

I really miss her.

Jackie died last summer. ...on what was supposed to have been the 'luckiest' day of the year. 07/07/07

My heart is broken.

I haven't been able to delete her name and phone number so far. I totally planned on finally deleting her information this time. It's as if leaving her name and number in my phone is a link. She isn't gone as long as I can still see her there.

I still don't know if I'm ready to let her go.

I just can't do it yet.

Here's a couple of videos for you...

The first one I almost forgot about taking. I took if from my mom's enclosed front porch in Indiana during "spring break". Yeah, I know what you're thinking. You think that must be horrible weather for a spring break vacation! To be honest with you, I don't see snow much here. I mean, we have our winters here in Texas where there is snow, but it's rare to see a measurable amount. It's soothing to watch it snow. It was not TOO cold for sitting outside and watching it. (I might feel differently about it if I lived there all the time...) They really thought I was strange sitting outside watching it snow! (They thought I was even more strange for recording it!) :D

This video is for those of you who doubted we hand fed a squirrel. (Yeah, I know you wouldn't doubt me. :P)

Hubby and I walked outside this morning (as he was leaving to play poker) to find her sitting in the yard. All it took was bringing out the can of natural almonds, and she was right there with her paws out! And just a bit of information, I had a cup of coffee before I took the video, so it's a tiny bit shaky... (And, yes, that's my hand in the picture holding the almond.) :P

Miette is such a sweetheart. I almost laughed aloud when, as I turned the camera more toward her face, that she turned her back on me!

I have more video and pics. Maybe I'll post them in the next day or so.

It was my second movie in just a few days. I expected it to be predictable, and with it's twists and turns, it was. But I was curious, so I had to watch it. It was a sweet, touching, drama with endearing qualities.

I found myself rooting for the main character at the end, hoping it worked out for him. ...hoping he found his way.

It reminded me a bit (oddly) of my last post. I had been trying to listen to the quiet in my head. ...allowing the silence to calm me. It was much the same, only different, in this movie.

It tugged at my heartstrings.

All I can say is that I'm really glad this movie wasn't out when I was much younger and much more immature. I might have believed it could happen to me, too.

What did you think of August Rush?

As has been the case since I've been back from Indiana, I've learned a bit about myself. A lot of thoughts have come to me. I've been thinking about my upcoming birthday. I've had my family on my mind a lot. I worry a lot about son and his future. I've tried to "calm" myself and do that 'think in the now' kind of thing. It seems like a good idea. No sense in thinking (or worrying) about tomorrow or what might happen. And there's no sense in reliving the past..

It's been a huge thing for me.

Last night it rained. I spent a certain amount of time outside. I closed off my mind. ...closed my eyes and tried not to think of anything except the sound of the rain and thunder. It's amazing to be able to shut your mind off that way, though I wasn't as good at it as I'd have hoped, the quiet -- except for the rain -- was quite nice. It was a feeling that I can't quite explain, but it was certainly peaceful. ...very peaceful.

Hearing the thunder and the small sounds of water hitting the leaves, the concrete, the grass, the roof.... It was peaceful.

I didn't get the excitement that I have had at times in the past (though I'm sure I will again!), but the silence was the best sound I could have heard. The quiet hand of Nature herself was telling me that all was well. All I needed to do was listen to "me" and just 'be quiet' for awhile.

It was what I needed...

I need to do that more often. I need to get in the habit of listening to the silence, the peace, the quiet in my brain, and stop worrying about "what if", what might be, and just concentrate on right now.

Right now I'm alive. Right now I breathe. Right now I have friends. I have love. I have family.

I am blessed.

I watched the movie tonight that hubby suggested was a great movie.

After 90 minutes of banter and behavior I thought abhorrent, things changed.

When the movie was over, I thought, "I could have predicted all that. There were no surprises. ..nothing life altering. ...nothing profound"

Why wasn't I as 'moved' and 'touched' by the movie as he had been?

I realize that it's been more than 30 minutes since the end of the movie.

I'm still sitting here. ...still thinking about the movie.

And I realize that maybe I was touched and moved.

Maybe it did get to me more than I realized.

Aside from typing these words,

I haven't uttered a sound.

It was "Crash".

Just three weeks from today, I will be 42 years old.

So many sad, happy, energizing, and depressing thoughts are going through my brain.

I don't know why I thought of it last night, but a thought came to me while I was eating dinner. It was so disturbing that I lost my appetite.

My own mother was 43 years old when she lost her mother some eighteen years ago.

It just made me feel like time is running out. It made me wonder what I'd do without her.

Honestly, it scares me and breaks my heart to even think about it.

Well, I've decided.

I won't be bringing the new baby home with us. After taking nearly an hour to feed 9 reptiles all their rodents (mostly frozen pinkies, but Zibby requires frozen baby rats), I've decided that with all the electricity it costs to keep them all in heating pads, ultraviolet heat lamps, and the cost of feeding 9 reptiles, not to mention cleaning the cages, baths, and "playtime," I think we are better just not adding to this brood quite yet.

(Talk about using your head and not your heart!!)

But it's for the best. He's so precious and sweet, but I'll let someone else take him home. ...someone who has more time and possibly fewer pets.

Which reminds me, the guy at the pet store was TOTALLY impressed with the way we are raising our reptiles. He said that most people just have them in cages as "showpieces" and throw food in now and again and clean the cages once in awhile. Ours have been "potty trained," like to be played with, and are truly members of our family (as much as reptiles can be!). They are "socialized" and actually seem to appreciate time with us. He said he would have no problem selling to us because he believed we truly knew how to take care of our animals. (It's in their policy that they will not sell reptiles or ANY animals to buyers unless you can prove you have everything you will need to take care of the animal they sell you.) We talked about about them for some time, and at some length. He taught us a thing or two, and we taught him a couple of things, as well!

Man... It was truly been a full day for us yesterday.
(This post was written Saturday, though not posted until Sunday.)

And it was good.

Saturday is only about half over, and I'm t-i-r-e-d!!

I knew it would be a busy day, but I'm almost done for the day.

We got up this morning to take son and his wife for thier first anniversary lunch (which was actually last weekend, but they BOTH forgot and made other plans -- one of which was her babyshower that I went to last Saturday). Considering the place we were going was a couple of towns over and the best Chinese I've had in many, many years, it required getting up early to get ready, pick them up, and get there. Once we arrived, we noticed we were the first ones there. That's always nice. ...being in a restaurant that nice all by yourself. We ordered a pot of tea (which is also the best tea I've ever had in a Chinese restaurant!) and our appetizers. Once those arrived, we ordered entrees. We had a lot of good conversation. We all got on just fine and talked as if we'd known each other for some time. (OK, I was going to say "forever," but there were lulls and uncomfortable silences in the very beginning.) We thoroughly enjoyed our lunch, and for us, it was even better to see her try these new things and liking them as much as we did. She tried her chopsticks, but ended up going with a fork before she starved to death!! ;D I'd have to say that it was fairly pleasant spending time together.

After lunch, we went next door to an Asian Arts store. They have such an eclectic mix of things to look at and purchase. We don't make it over there often, so when we do, we make it a point of stopping in and admiring the water fountains, paintings, statuettes, figurines, coin collections, etc. She'd never been in there before, either. You could see she was awestruck by the place. We saw a few things we might like to purchase, but ended up buying nothing. Sometimes, at least for me, the looking is as much fun as the buying! (And goodness knows I have so many collections from this place anyway!)

We then left there to go buy food for our numerous reptiles (9 in all), and admire the others while we were there. So we made our purchases and went on our way.

We dropped her off back at their apartment on the way back home. She thanked us over and over for taking them out today. She said she enjoyed herself a great deal. Son kept saying the rest of the trip that she really did enjoy herself immensely. He said he could tell she really had fun. Then they dropped me off here on the way to their poker tournament. (Son won $62 last night. Not much for some, but I think it's just the winning that they love so much. The money is a bonus! :D ) I'm not sure when that will be over.

We didn't have time to do it today since we cut it so close, but hubby told me he wants to take me to see this cute little hatchling Savannah Monitor today! Yikes! Do we need another one?! The one we have is heading toward 3 feet long! I don't know. I don't have a problem with looking, but I'm afraid once I see how cute he is, I'll be hooked! We'll see....

It doesn't matter to me right now, though! I'm home! Though it doesn't seem like we've done much today, I feel totally wiped out! It's been a busy week, so this just added to it, I suppose.

I know I should be cleaning house or doing other chores, but I'm just too tired right now. Maybe I'll just surf awhile. ....or maybe I'll watch a movie. Hey, better yet! Maybe I'll take a nap!!

In any case, signing off for now! (SO sorry to go on and on and on....)

Hope you are all having a wonderful weekend!!

**Edit**

I barely had time to relax when hubby called. They were out of the poker tournament, so why didn't I go ahead and get ready to go see the little Savannah Monitor!!!

I fell in love with him instantly!!! He's SO adorable! I'd forgotten how sweet they are!

But I did decide to use my head and not just my heart. I'm taking the night to "sleep on it" and decide if I want to have another big lizard. Zibby isn't even a year old quite yet (in about 2-3 weeks). It's feeding night for ALL the reptiles tonight, so maybe that will help me decide if I want to add another one to the mix...

Hmmm.....

Hope everyone is having a good Friday.

I didn't want any misunderstanding from my last post. I am well and feeling pretty good; however, I have several friends and a couple of family members (and even coworkers) who are really going through some tough times at the moment. It makes my heart break for them. It makes me feel helpless. There's just not a lot I can do but be there for them -- to lend an ear, to extend a hand, a hug, or open my heart. And even that doesn't feel like enough. I'm really sorry that you have to be going through these sad things. Know that all trials that we go through helps us be stronger people. It helps us have more understanding for others. I know that sounds trivial and unhelpful right now. Just always know that I am here. Call on me whenever you need me.

There's so many things I'd like to say today, but I can't seem to find the right words.

I have some friends and family members on my mind today. I feel like rejoicing with them, crying with them, taking away the pain for them, or just being there as a hand to hold. Instead, I'll try to fill in with a few quotes and/or poems if you don't mind.

"Pain nourishes courage. You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you."
Mary Tyler Moore

"There is no such thing as a 'self-made' man. We are made up of thousands of others. Everyone who has ever done a kind deed for us, or spoken one word of encouragement to us, has entered into the make-up of our character and of our thoughts, as well as our success."
George Matthew Adams

"There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm."

Willa Cather

"Trouble is part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough."
Dinah Shore

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
Buddha quotes

I know this may sound strange to some, but I've chosen to write about this subject. I've decided that, for the most part, I want to start blogging for me, and not so much for everyone else -- as I'd felt the pattern becoming.

My mom told me that I reminded her of my birthmother. I resembled her greatly. I asked if my blue eyes with the dark encircling line reminded her.
"Yes," she said.
"Even the pale skin?" asked I.
"Oh, definitely!"
"And even the long, dark hair?"
"Yes, even the long dark hair."
"And I knew from her words," said she, "that her saying, 'Please take care of my baby.' That she loved you very much. Of that there was no doubt."

Though in that instance, it may have made her sad, it made me very happy.

Because in that instance I knew.

I resembled her. I resembled what I perceived to be the 'loving' parent.

I didn't resemble the angry parent who left my poor 4 month old body battered and bruised with belt marks across my face. I was undernourished and needed surgery for an injured kidney.

I took her insistence that my mom take me that very day as her desire to not have me hurt for one more day -- whether it be true or not.

As petty as it may seem to some, I am ever so happy to resemble the loving person who tried to save me -- even if it meant she may never see me again.

I went to a baby shower today. I was only invited a day or two ago. I was leery. I didn't know if I should go or not. Son said he would appreciate it if I would go -- if only for a few minutes. Within just about an hour of getting ready to go, I found out it was to be a 'pajama party' as well. Umm... I think I'll pass! But I did take the baby things I already had and stopped along the way to their apartment at a couple of places and checked out her baby registry at a couple different stores. I bought a few small things like blankets, sleepers, and onesies, and a "pack 'n play" in her requested pattern.

"I'll only stay a few minutes. I'll just drop off the things I brought, say 'hello' to everyone, and then go." I thought to myself.

A couple of her friends helped me empty my car of packages. Introductions were made. "Oh, yes. I've heard of you. Nice to put a face to a name!"

I went into the apartment, poured myself a soda, declined the food, and commenced to talking with the invitees. I spoke with her mom for a few minutes as she complimented me on the gifts. She went on and on about how they would 'match' the baby's room perfectly! Strangely enough, though, I ended up sitting on the couch conversing with her. She excused herself for a moment as she walked out of the room and came back with an envelope. (I'd already offered to do their taxes. And true to my thoughts, she was bringing me their W-2's.) But she brought out another envelope. She said she and he had ordered this for me for Christmas, but it arrived far too late for Christmas. Son said maybe she should just wait for my birthday. I said, "Surprisingly enough, my birthday is exactly one month from today!" She handed me the package.

I was very surprised to see a necklace in the package. ...a silver chain with something attached. It was a silver heart locket. It opened up into four parts (almost resembling a four leaf clover) for four pictures. That was very nice. I thanked her for my early birthday present.

We continued to talk, and I could feel her getting more and more comfortable with me. I told her it was about time for me to leave (I'd actually been there close to an hour.) But I did say, as I hugged her (!) around the shoulders, that I would see her next weekend when we would take them out for dinner for their one year anniversary (which is actually today). She smiled and said she'd see me next weekend for dinner out!

And then I left.

I'd survived the baby shower I wasn't even truly invited to attend.

That wasn't so bad...

So I've been back nearly two weeks now. I'm glad to be back home and back to work. Routine is good for me. It helps me focus and feel more "normal" in my life.

However...

I always miss my family so much when I go home for those 9 days and then leave them. My mom cries. She knows it'll be another year before she sees me again. We always go over the list of things we didn't "get to" before I left. There's just never enough time. To be honest with you, my days were always spent (first of all) coming out of the bedroom, heading straight for the kitchen where my mom or stepdad had usually already made coffee. (That was usually between 7 and 8 a.m.) We'd sit in the kitchen for hours drinking coffee, watching the news, and just talking. I love those talks. We talk about anything and everything. We catch up on people we know. We catch up on how my life and my family's life has been since I was there last. Then we'd continue on with the day and whatever we had planned. I could do it every single day of my life. Then again, I'm not sure I'd appreciate it as much as I do if this were a daily event.

I really love my family and I hate being so far from them. Most people would say that I should just move closer. I'd agree. But son is our only child. Now he's having a child. I can't leave him here. Hey, if he'd come with me, I'd probably go!! :D

I just talked to my mom a couple of days ago. She said, "It's so sad when you don't come out of that room first thing in the morning." It made me sad.

We're all getting older. I really miss spending time with them. One never knows how much time one has left. I think of them getting older, but heck, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow!! Life is too short...

I need my mommy....